Winter Solstice in Ubud, Bali

 

Whilst they celebrate the longest day of the year at this side of the equator, my body is still living the cycles it’s lived for the past 38 years and I’m struggling with extreme tiredness. Being on the road and feeling like a ragdoll from inside out adds to the exhaustion. 

I have so many stories that my mind would like to share, yet I find myself doing not much else but dragging my ass to a yoga class and to the town to eat, and lying down on the bed, unable to even begin to do anything else. 

It really feels like my body needs time. 

Just time. 

 My mind is driving me insane. Telling me I should do this, do that, plan for the future or reflect on the past. Noticing how uncomfortable the mind gets when it’s time to naturally just slow down and let the body heal from all that it’s experienced over the past year. 

Makes me think how there’s so much hype about Christmas. It’s almost as though it’s a distraction for the mind, to think and do something other than just feeling the exhaustion. How much easier it would feel in the deepest parts of your muscular structure if you were to just let go of any doing, any pushing, any thinking, any planning and feel how heavy it all weighs…and wait for it to dissolve, letting all that pain fall away and allowing the ego pride that feeds off from it, to die. 

So here in Ubud, Bali, I’m in the process of dying. It feels like a relief. And from that relief rises a certain excitement for the rebirth of something else, not yet known, not yet experienced, not yet boxed in some category of the mind and labeled as “me.” 

Just a divine mess of a human being, so vulnerable and helpless, yet strong and unbeatable within every single breath that flows in and out moment by moment, healing me, carrying me through to the other side.